{c'est bon!}

On tapered chinos and show tunes

Dear Gap,

We've been friends acquaintances for some time now.  You have always had good things in your stores, like tshirts, canvas tote bags, and socks.  It is a fact that my best friend and I drove 50 miles to a mall in college just to go to Gap Body.  You guys seem to handle the basics really well, and it seemed like you had something good going on with the Red campaign.  You'll never be J.Crew, but that's ok-- you're fine just the way you are, even without critter-print shorts or seersucker suits.

But seriously now, what were you thinking with your new "boyfriend trouser" advertising campaign?  Was it on purpose that you combined three of the most horrifying things in existence:

• relaxed-fit tapered khakis;
• a choreographed interpretative dance; and
• a song that can best be described as the love-child of a minion of Satan and the gooey dream of those kids in high school who were a little too-into the theatreer department (I am afraid of them like I am afraid of the marching band, which is to say, extremely)? 

Let us first consider the idea of "boyfriend" chinos. I would imagine that with your extensive experience in retail, you would know by now that tapered pants flatter NO ONE. And by "no one," I mean, "not a single person on the entire earth, including Swedes, who are all attractive."  Also, why would it be whimsical-- fun even-- to wear pants from the mens department?  I know this might be kind of hard for you to understand, but the anatomy of women differs somewhat from that of men, especially in some areas that said pants intentionally accommodate.  This would be a good thing to consider next time.

And the dance.  I can appreciate a good dance-off as much as anyone, and it was cute or whatever, in a prancing Risky Business way, but even kittens frolicking in a field of daisies would be unbearable with That Song.  "Anything you can do I can do better" from Annie Get Your Gun ranks right up there with Lamb Chops' "The Song That Never Ends."  Throw in Ethel Merman's squawking, and you have the cause of 92% of brain disorders.  I must tell you, it really is a jarring sound-- just last night, for example, I was relaxing after a long day at work and listening to the soothing voice of Jack Bauer, when your commercial blasted onto the tv like an insurgent sneak-attack.  You should have heard the screams; I know my neighbors did. 

Is something rough going on in your life?  You guys used to have cute adverts-- the 2002 holiday ad with Badly Drawn Boy's "The Shining" was  a hit!  I even bought a sweater after a few rounds with that one (this is a good thing: revenues are good!).  Others come up with enjoyable music bits too; remember the VW commercial with (the love of my life) Nick Drake's "Pink Moon"-- the use of that song alone made me think that getting a Cabrio was a good idea.  Likewise, Target seems to be licensing the rest of the Badly Drawn Boy collection-- you should have stuck with a good thing when you had it.

I'm telling you all of this because I care about you, Gap.  Also, I care about my sanity, and that of my roommates, because I'm not sure how many more rounds of this we can take.  Seriously, you can get better-- just make the ankles of your women's pants a little wider and shorten the inseam.  People will like it, I promise!  Also, may I suggest tuning in to Pandora.com?  It will help you find some new, modern music that people in the '00s will like listening to.  Because-- America's eyes and ears? -- they are in some serious pain right now.

Nontaperedly yours,

Camille.

ANTM: great moments in tv (and journalism)

One of the most enjoyable/awesome spots on the Internet is fourfour (written by Rich Juzwiak), both for the gratuitous pictures of the author's cat, Winston, and for its reality show coverage, especially of Tyra Banks' America's Next Top Model.  I can't do any of it justice here, but trust me, you want to click on this link.

On the somewhat darker stranger side of journalism, my alma mater's newspaper (and onetime employer), the Indiana Daily Student, contains an "interview" with contestant Samantha featuring what is probably the best/worst lede of all time:

On the phone, Samantha Francis didn't sound like much of a slut.  Her soft, sweet voice with its thick southern accent reminded me of sweet tea and church sermons - certainly not the kind of girl whose name is scrawled all over the bathroom stalls.

However, on the second episode of the eighth cycle of America's Next Top Model, Samantha was told to don a cropped top and garter belt and strike a pose on the bleachers of a high school football stadium - those which so often hid those tete-a-tetes [sic] of the good ol' days...

Cropped tops and garter belts? Bleachers? Horrors!  At the very least, I'm sure Samantha appreciates the fact that Lindsey Landis of the IDS considers her to be a woman of loose morals based on her photo shoot.  Well played, IDS, well played.  I'm sticking with Rich and Winston...

Screw you guys, I'm going home.

For those of you who need an awesome television fixexcuse to procrastinate today, check out Rolling Stone's tribute to ten years of South Park, listing the top 25 moments with videos.  Hopefully it won't set off any of your Internet content sensors at work, but even if it does, I feel like it would be pretty much worth it right about now.  #12 about Scientology (look out for an accurate account of Xenu and other craziness with flashes of "This is what Scientologists actually believe") is probably one of best things to be on tv ever. Do you have any favorites?

The Bauer Hour

It's a well-known fact among my friends that I don't enter into anything halfway-- when it comes to music, clothes, books, entertainers, avocados-- whatever--  I will envelop myself in it as much as possible, at least until the next thing comes along.

So when my roommate casually suggested last spring that I might enjoy the television phenomenon that is 24, I should have known that watching the first episode -- even just 42 minutes worth--  would trigger an addiction to the series (and its main character Jack Bauer) far more powerful than even Britney Spears' love of Cheetos. 

For those who haven't yet reached televisional enlightenment, 24 is a show with episodes shot in real time (i.e. 7-8am) featuring Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland), an agent who (most of the time) works at Los Angeles' Counter Terrorism Unit (CTU).  As each episode is 60 minutes long (without commercials, an average of 43 minutes of actual footage), each season has 24 episodes (obvs.), and there are five seasons on DVD now, I can say with certainty that I watched approximately 5,160 minutes of the series this past winter, not including the disc's special features or behind-the-scenes episodes.  Now that Day 6 is on, Monday nights are put on special reserve for the show.  Clearly, I need help.

That said, is there anything on television more satisfying these days than watching Kiefer Sutherland take down the bad guys (or at least break their fingers one by one)?  Bad things happen all the time; it just seems like these characters solve the world's problems more efficiently.  I'm among the least violent/militant people I know, but there's a certain appeal to the CTU way of life.  This show also puts things in perspective: are you in a row with one of your friends?  Jack Bauer's friends are trying to kill him.  Are you tired from staying out too late the night before? Jack Bauer hasn't slept in a week. Are you sore from your workout? Jack Bauer just escaped from a Chinese prison camp. You think you had a bad day at work?  Jack Bauer's is far worse. 

The 24 obsession level in my apartment seems to have reached a saturation point when my roommate had dream about Jack Bauer the other night.  No, not Kiefer (which you could understand); Jack. In her three-hour dream (her estimate), she and Jack were hunting down Saddam Hussein in a school and country club. It's unclear if Saddam was actually defeated in the end, but there did seem to be a lot of ass-kicking in general.  Intervention, anyone?

Given that this has been the Year of Bauer so far, you can imagine my delight when 24 converged with my office.  A new phone system was installed at my desk at work... Real fans will notice this is the SAME phone CTU has in their office.  So now, instead of a plebeian ringtone, when I get a call, I do a double-take to make sure it's not the Secretary of Defense on the line for me.  As you can imagine, this has made for some interesting conversations.

I suppose my love for 24 will continue until the series finale in a few years.  I have the time right now, and Kiefer surely has many other tricks up his sleeve.  But if Lost's Matthew Fox figures out how to save the world as well, and maybe comes up with jungle-themed office supplies to further divert my attention, then Jack Bauer will really have a struggle ahead of him.