{c'est bon!}

Fortune Cookie #3

"Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life."

Lucky #4, 8, 10, 19, 37, 40

Learn Chinese: Ji-Xin-Li, Keep in mind.

In all fairness, this was during lunch

The following is from a set of emails among Molly ("M"), Jessi ("J"), and myself ("C") yesterday:

C: Check this out, someone forwarded this to me from Fashionista:

J: "On All Fours for Gryffindors." That's just wrong.    I just finalized my order.

M: Haha.... that's awesome....

J: I think I frightened Molly, so to clarify, I was kidding. But I did think about it for a few seconds.

C: I say, go for it. Get a small one for Honey-Cat while you're at it.

J: Honey-Cat doesn't wear clothes. It's a policy.  Had to draw the line somewhere...

C: She sure did when when I was looking after her!  Cape, beret, and everything!

J: FYI- I am shaking because I am laughing so hard and trying not to make noise.

M: Haha that's awesome... Camille sent me the pics, actually ... Creepy AND adorable at the same time.

J: Wait- you're serious? I haven't seen this!!!!

M: Shit, Camille probably took Honey-Cat out to lunch and shopping with her, too. :)

J: Seriously- where are the cape/beret pics?

M: C'est une blague, mon amie. :)

J: Merde.

Ten minutes later...

C: Well, here's what I could find from my album-- we had a French day (my choice) and beach day (her choice).  A good time was had by all!

J: I sometimes wonder what your actual job is.  Not maliciously, just in the hope that someday,  your boss walks by to see you drawing hula skirts on cats.

Great moments in vacation, July 2007 edition

Eschewing work and other responsibilities, I flitted up to Traverse City, Michigan for ten days for vacation, and to see family and friends.  It was fun, relaxing, and actually productive. Most of all, educational.  Here are some of the highlights in the form of short vignettes:

The dog who got his eye bit out by another dog and lived to tell the tale

Our awesome neighbors have a pug whose eye was bitten out by another dog at a park a few weeks ago. Through emergency surgery, the eye was put back where it belongs (and seems to work, for the most part), but the dog has to wear a large cone around its neck to prevent infection.  Despite what I would imagine to be a pretty disturbing experience, the pug has a great attitude, and is happy, doing what dogs do best: snuffling, licking, and chasing things.  And because it has a huge cone around its head, the animal has improvised by using it to scoop up things to feed into his mouth.  A session of fetch (scoop-bite, scoop-bite) ended with me laughing hysterically on the ground. Clearly, I am a bad person, to seemingly take delight in a little creature's misfortune, but dude, it was hilarious. 

I guess you had to be there.

Taking care of a car is, like, hard work, y'all!

I now know how to wash, wax, and fully detail a car.  Thanks Dad!

Man vs. Wild: Northern Michigan Adventure

I watched upwards of twelve episodes of MvW over a couple of days.  Then, when I went on a long hike stroll with my mother and a friend, I heard the soothing voice of Bear Grylls in my ear: Wild raspberries-- eat them-- you need to eat as much as you can, and often, to survive in the wild! ...Oh, and that dragonfly too-- protein! ... See that cliff over there?  You can climb it by inserting your fist into the craggy notches and pulling yourself up to escape from the grizzly bears ...If you are getting overheated in the midday sun, slosh around in that mudhole like a hippo in the Sahara. 

I love this show.

Not wanting to embarrass my mother more than is expected, I was able to suppress most of my instincts to shimmy up trees or rappell down a dropoff.  I resisted all except one:  stealing ripe cherries off a tree and running like Bear from a mountain lion.

Baseba....zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

There are a lot of great things about baseball, I am sure, since it's the most American sport and all. You can eat hot dogs there, drink beer, enjoy the setting sun and the stadium lights ("If you build it, they will come"), and the mascots might give you free things.  It's also cool that a whole crew of ripped guys scamper around in pajama-like outfits, and sometimes slide through mud to touch the "bag" in time, whatever that is. I realize that there's a lot of skill involved- - that it's hard to hit the ball 300 times out of a thousand or to decide when you should be running and when you should be standing.  I respect the baseball and the traditions that surround it--  the eating of bratwurst and nachos, the squirming around in molded plastic stadium chairs, the participation in The Wave, the high-fiveing of the team mascots. Oh, and the watching of the ball-hitting and running, diving and tagging.

But seriously, I have to ask: what can be accomplished in NINE whole innings that can't be done in six?  Or five, for that matter? 

Nothing, you say?  Yeah, that's what I thought.

Meat-legs

Traverse City receives quite a bit of tourism in the summer months for the beautiful lakes, vineyards, chocolate confections, general cuteness, and the Cherry Festival, a celebration of -- you guessed it -- all things cherry (northwestern Michigan's largest export).  There are carnival rides, games, cherry pie eating and pit spitting competitions, a crowned Cherry Queen, and more cherry-related food than you can count (cherry burgers, cherry hotsauce and salsa, cherry ice cream).  There are also other foods present, in case you don't want cherry meatballs, and this year we noticed a stand offering non-meat/fruit combinations: a proper BBQ joint.  They had the usual ribs, burgers, sausages, and pork chops, and, disturbingly, a giant, cooked turkey leg.   The leg of an overgrown fowl, still on its leg-bone.

Although the parents assured me that this is normal fare and even good-eatin', it was pretty startling.  I can understand eating the meat, yes, but a drumstick like that is like chewing on a dinosaur leg in The Flintstones.  Are we still in Medieval times, when we didn't have knives or whatever to cut ones dinner into convenient morsels? Am I this removed from popular culture?

And I had thought learning stopped after college!

Fortune Cookie #2

"Opportunity awaits you next Monday."

UPDATE:  The cookie knew what it was talking about, because I found a parking spot for rent near my building, so I can bring a car to Chicago!  Exciting times, I know.

TTMMTWTH #2

There's something therapeutic (or self-indulgent, I can't decide which) about creating a list of strange things in this world and sharing it with the Internet.  In the spirit of ranting making the world a better place, I'd like to add a few more thoughts to Things That Make Me Think 'What The Hell?' ("TTMMTWTH") Part Deux:

1.) The Old-English-ization of words, especially "faire" and "shoppe."  What about the modern English spelling wasn't sufficient for conveying the message of your establishment or event?  For example, in Bloomington, Indiana, I always drove past a pharmacy called the Medicine Shoppe. I don't know about you, but hearkening back to Medieval times in regards to health care doesn't make me feel too confident about the treatment I am to receive. Like, if I wanted a historically whimsical medical experience, I would have drilled the problem out myself with a rusty corkscrew.  Or taken herbs like "mugwort" and consumed a jug of mead.   

2.) Related: what's up with Renaissance Fair(e)s?  It creeps me out when people dress like the cast of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and speak in Cockney accents that are not their own. I'm going out on a limb here, but if you have a codpiece on or identify strongly with a wood nymph, thou havest issues and needest some therappe. 

3.) Stealing one's rightful seat on an airplane.  I hand-picked the window seat on a flight from Louisiana to Memphis this past weekend, and arrived at my aisle to find what one might call a "fratty" in seat 21-F.  I told him politely that he was in my seat, and he replied with, "Yeah, but does it really matter?"  in the manner that only a diminutive 22 year old in a backwards Abercrombie cap and popped-collar polo could.  Well, yeah, now that you mention it, sitting by the window on a 1.5 hour flight isn't quite as important as, say, eradicating HIV and feeding the hungry orphans of the world, or even finally picking up my dry cleaning, but it would be both a) righteous and b) nice.  Deciding not to deal with eye-rolling or huffing from a guy who's best skill in life probably involves an XBox and a Natural Light, I graciously took the aisle seat and hoped that his lady-talking skills improved someday so he could communicate with more than just the latest issue of Maxim. As they say, DING DONG!

Fortune Cookie

"Your heart is pure, and your mind is clear."

Sounds about right.

TTMMTWTH

I'm a pretty laid-back person (you know, when I'm not freaking out over things like "what to do with the rest of my life" and relationships, or whatever), but lately I've come across a few things that I just cannot get over.  I know, I shouldn't obsess over small, trivial things that don't affect me (like Kathie Lee Gifford), but where's the fun in being sensible? 

So, I present {c'est bon!}'s list of Things That Make Me Think 'What The Hell?' ("TTMMTWTH"):

1.) Pierced ears on babies. Seriously people, earrings are things for beings that are emotionally developed enough to appreciate accessories (in my mind, this is eight years and up).  Would you put eye shadow on a baby? Lip gloss? Glittery nail polish? Hopefully, NO.  Also, those crinkly baby headbands are ugly.

2.) Kitty litter going down a garbage chute in a 29-floor Mies Van Der Rohe building. Dear upper floor neighbors: it would be super if you could double-bag that stuff, because the sheer force generated by 12 pounds of gravelly litter is profound enough to burst your current containment mechanism like an atomic bomb and jolt its contents into my fourth floor hallway. K, thanks.

3.) Man bangs. If you're a dude, and you have bangs that are angling a different way from the rest of your hair and kind of separated on purpose, you might want to not do that anymore.  I don't really know anyone who does this, but ... yeah.

4.) Changing seats on the bus.  Bus etiquette is something that warrants further discussion (because frankly, I'm confused), but is it insulting to sit next to someone for 90% of your morning commute and then move to an empty row when one opens up? Also, why do you need that second seat for the last five minutes? What exactly are you doing there that requires more legroom and/or privacy? I just want to know!

5.) The word "bachelorette." I'm all about parties and gatherings of friends in general, and I am in fact going to celebrate a close friend's impending entrance into the world of matrimony this weekend (which I am very excited about), but I just can't bring myself to use that word:  Bachelor. Ette.  It evokes princess crowns, fluffy pink boas, and necklaces adorned with certain parts of certain gender's anatomy.  (Nothing says mature adult relationship like these things, right? Am I right??). "Bachelorette" is the high-rise, tapered, acid-washed, elastic-waisted jean of vocabulary. With a mullet.

On tapered chinos and show tunes

Dear Gap,

We've been friends acquaintances for some time now.  You have always had good things in your stores, like tshirts, canvas tote bags, and socks.  It is a fact that my best friend and I drove 50 miles to a mall in college just to go to Gap Body.  You guys seem to handle the basics really well, and it seemed like you had something good going on with the Red campaign.  You'll never be J.Crew, but that's ok-- you're fine just the way you are, even without critter-print shorts or seersucker suits.

But seriously now, what were you thinking with your new "boyfriend trouser" advertising campaign?  Was it on purpose that you combined three of the most horrifying things in existence:

• relaxed-fit tapered khakis;
• a choreographed interpretative dance; and
• a song that can best be described as the love-child of a minion of Satan and the gooey dream of those kids in high school who were a little too-into the theatreer department (I am afraid of them like I am afraid of the marching band, which is to say, extremely)? 

Let us first consider the idea of "boyfriend" chinos. I would imagine that with your extensive experience in retail, you would know by now that tapered pants flatter NO ONE. And by "no one," I mean, "not a single person on the entire earth, including Swedes, who are all attractive."  Also, why would it be whimsical-- fun even-- to wear pants from the mens department?  I know this might be kind of hard for you to understand, but the anatomy of women differs somewhat from that of men, especially in some areas that said pants intentionally accommodate.  This would be a good thing to consider next time.

And the dance.  I can appreciate a good dance-off as much as anyone, and it was cute or whatever, in a prancing Risky Business way, but even kittens frolicking in a field of daisies would be unbearable with That Song.  "Anything you can do I can do better" from Annie Get Your Gun ranks right up there with Lamb Chops' "The Song That Never Ends."  Throw in Ethel Merman's squawking, and you have the cause of 92% of brain disorders.  I must tell you, it really is a jarring sound-- just last night, for example, I was relaxing after a long day at work and listening to the soothing voice of Jack Bauer, when your commercial blasted onto the tv like an insurgent sneak-attack.  You should have heard the screams; I know my neighbors did. 

Is something rough going on in your life?  You guys used to have cute adverts-- the 2002 holiday ad with Badly Drawn Boy's "The Shining" was  a hit!  I even bought a sweater after a few rounds with that one (this is a good thing: revenues are good!).  Others come up with enjoyable music bits too; remember the VW commercial with (the love of my life) Nick Drake's "Pink Moon"-- the use of that song alone made me think that getting a Cabrio was a good idea.  Likewise, Target seems to be licensing the rest of the Badly Drawn Boy collection-- you should have stuck with a good thing when you had it.

I'm telling you all of this because I care about you, Gap.  Also, I care about my sanity, and that of my roommates, because I'm not sure how many more rounds of this we can take.  Seriously, you can get better-- just make the ankles of your women's pants a little wider and shorten the inseam.  People will like it, I promise!  Also, may I suggest tuning in to Pandora.com?  It will help you find some new, modern music that people in the '00s will like listening to.  Because-- America's eyes and ears? -- they are in some serious pain right now.

Nontaperedly yours,

Camille.

On notice!

That's right America; you've been put on notice, Colbert style! 

All in all, I must say that I've had a great couple of weeks, with the exception of one that was due to temporary insanity.  The good things: Mom and Dad came to visit, spring appears to be taking over the frozen tundra known as Chicago, and my family and friends have been fantastic as always.  I do, however, have a few simple grievances (note that not all of these actually affect me in any tangible way; see #4 and #6), that are possibly best expressed as follows:

Big money!

My friends and I have just purchased $70 worth of lotto tickets for tonight's Mega Millions since the Illinois jackpot is up to $177 million.  We figure that one of our numbers sets is going to win, and this will enable all of us to lead our dream lives.  If I win my 1/14th of the lot (approx. $12.643 million, or $7.586 million on an after-tax basis, assuming a 40% tax rate), here's a sampling of what I plan to do:

• Buy some fruit at Whole Foods (this time I can afford it)
• Vacation in Provence this summer!
• Buy some new shoes and a handbag
• Donation to miniature pony preserve in Northern Michigan
• Get a kitten!  I can bribe my roommates with ca$h so they will let me do this
• Take some time off of work.  And by "time off," I mean "retirement"
• Buy a car and gasoline so I can visit friends/family (see, I'll be giving back too).

UPDATE: We won!! 

...  $2.0. 

As in dollars, not millions.

Which could buy you all of 1/2 cup of coffee in Chicago.  Better luck next time!