friends acquaintances for some time now. You have always had good things in your stores, like tshirts, canvas tote bags, and socks. It is a fact that my best friend and I drove 50 miles to a mall in college just to go to Gap Body. You guys seem to handle the basics really well, and it seemed like you had something good going on with the Red campaign. You'll never be J.Crew, but that's ok-- you're fine just the way you are, even without critter-print shorts or seersucker suits.
But seriously now, what were you thinking with your new "boyfriend trouser" advertising campaign? Was it on purpose that you combined three of the most horrifying things in existence:
- relaxed-fit tapered khakis;
- a choreographed interpretative dance; and
- a song that can best be described as the love-child of a minion of Satan and the gooey dream of those kids in high school who were a little too-into the theat
reer department (I am afraid of them like I am afraid of the marching band, which is to say, extremely)?
Let us first consider the idea of "boyfriend" chinos. I would imagine that with your extensive experience in retail, you would know by now that tapered pants flatter NO ONE. And by "no one," I mean, "not a single person on the entire earth, including Swedes, who are all attractive." Also, why would it be whimsical-- fun even-- to wear pants from the mens department? I know this might be kind of hard for you to understand, but the anatomy of women differs somewhat from that of men, especially in some areas that said pants intentionally accommodate. This would be a good thing to consider next time.
And the dance. I can appreciate a good dance-off as much as anyone, and it was cute or whatever, in a prancing Risky Business way, but even kittens frolicking in a field of daisies would be unbearable with That Song. "Anything you can do I can do better" from Annie Get Your Gun ranks right up there with Lamb Chops' "The Song That Never Ends." Throw in Ethel Merman's squawking, and you have the cause of 92% of brain disorders. I must tell you, it really is a jarring sound-- just last night, for example, I was relaxing after a long day at work and listening to the soothing voice of Jack Bauer, when your commercial blasted onto the tv like an insurgent sneak-attack. You should have heard the screams; I know my neighbors did.
Is something rough going on in your life? You guys used to have cute adverts-- the 2002 holiday ad with Badly Drawn Boy's "The Shining" was a hit! I even bought a sweater after a few rounds with that one (this is a good thing: revenues are good!). Others come up with enjoyable music bits too; remember the VW commercial with (the love of my life) Nick Drake's "Pink Moon"-- the use of that song alone made me think that getting a Cabrio was a good idea. Likewise, Target seems to be licensing the rest of the Badly Drawn Boy collection-- you should have stuck with a good thing when you had it.
I'm telling you all of this because I care about you, Gap. Also, I care about my sanity, and that of my roommates, because I'm not sure how many more rounds of this we can take. Seriously, you can get better-- just make the ankles of your women's pants a little wider and shorten the inseam. People will like it, I promise! Also, may I suggest tuning in to Pandora.com? It will help you find some new, modern music that people in the '00s will like listening to. Because-- America's eyes and ears? -- they are in some serious pain right now.